Puppy Bonding Day

I took the day off of work today, and this is why...

I got the cutest puppy in the world yesterday. His name is Mu Shu Mendell. I've never had a dog and I'm virtuously clueless when it comes to raising a puppy. If two human babies would have been dropped off at my door I would have been fine. I would be tired, but I would know just what to do and what I would need. Puppies are a completely different story. I decided to take the day off of work so that I could bond with little Mu Shu and so that I could try to figure out what a day in the life of a puppy is like.

The first thing we did when we woke up this morning was play with the toys. Mu Shu's favorite toy is a small piece of rope with frayed ends. He had a good time romping around and playing with me. I couldn't figure out how to insert the videos into the body of the blog, they always went to the bottom, the Meet Mu Shu video came next, but if you scroll down now you will peek at all of the other pictures. I wish I was a better blogger.

After we played, Mu Shu had a little breakfast, went outside to go potty, and played a little more. Then it was nap time.

I took advantage of the situation and napped too.

Mu Shu can make himself comfortable anywhere.

He changes positions often to get the most snuggling potential.

His comfort is of the utmost importance... regardless of mine.

I put Mu Shu in his kennel (no whining, just sleeping) so I could take a shower. When I was dressed, I came downstairs to blow dry my hair. When I was done he whined to get out, so I let him out while I put my make-up on. He loves to explore, but he won't wander to far from me... yet. Even here he whined for me to pick him up. I used my good mommy skills and didn't pick him up until I was done.

We had to make an outing to get him all set up on the puppy care plan at Banfield at Petsmart. This is how Mu Shu travels. It's a small basket, lined with a towel. Mu Shu likes to snuggle into it. I also threw in his little lamb, and his favorite chew toy.

The doctor checked him out and said he was all good to go. The nurse showed me how to cut back the hair around his eyes so he can see better. I didn't think it was possible, but somehow that made him even cuter.

Our next stop was a visit with Shawn at his work. Shawn promptly fell in love. The feeling was mutual. Mu Shu settled very quickly into his lap.

It was happy hour, so Shawn and I got a drink and a corn dog, and Mu Shu got a treat from the lady in the drive-thru. Mu Shu and Shawn played hard. Check out the video below to see how well puppies slide on concrete.

When we got home Mu Shu was tired yet again. My boy will sleep anywhere, as long as he's touching me.

He's really good at finding the perfect position while still maintaining contact.

Even now he whines unless he can be next to me. So, basically I found out that puppies are a lot like babies. They cuddle and play for 20 minutes, eat, poop, and then sleep for a couple of hours. I love, loVE, LOVE him! Bonding complete!

The Top Ten Reasons I'm Friends With Angela:

10) She won't read my blog, unless it's about her... and she will be the first one to admit it. Much like she has no trouble standing directly in front of me in a picture on MY 30th birthday.

9) She is one of the sweetest people on the planet. She will do anything to help a friend. She's so good.

8) She can also be a little "bad." She's not afraid to hang out with me when I'm being a devil.

7) She's up for anything. Seriously. And she will let you take pictures!

6) Every girl needs a friend like her. We can sit and talk for hours about anything. Serious stuff, silly stuff, fun stuff, scary stuff, emotional stuff, and of course guy stuff.

5) She's super fun. Whether we are dancing, eating, playing, or just chilling, we always have a ton of fun.

4) She is the only other girl in our group of friends. I love my guys, but sometimes they just don't understand things like Angela does. They are not as patient shoppers, either.

3) She is (relatively) drama free! She doesn't play head games and is not one of those "mean girls." She's comfortable with herself and with posing like Audrey with me.

2) She can be silly. There are times when the people around us have no idea what's going on and why we are laughing so hard. I love that she will be stupid with me. We were eating with an imaginary friend in this picture. It's best that no one else be around us when we are like this. That's why our friend is imaginary. He left.

1) We are so different. We have different tastes in guys, clothes, style, movies, and lots of other things. Somehow, we are able to find little similarities in everything though. It was a friendship made in Heaven. I love this girl!

Love Cures

Everyone should read this link. Seriously. Right now.

Click here --> The disease called "Perfection"

I have tried so many ways to cure myself of this disease that I now have a new problem. I basically blurt out all of my faults as soon as you meet me. I keep all of my messes, physical and mental, out in the open. Awkward much? I think so.

I know I will always struggle with this a little bit, but I have finally found my solution. Dan's solution is to "Be real." Mine encompasses that, but it's a little different. Love. As in the verb.

Love others by accepting their imperfections. Love them by being honest with them. Love them by not judging them or holding them to impossible standards. Love them by allowing their mistakes... by sharing your mistakes. Love them by taking a stand against their hurtful actions to themselves, to you, and to others. Love them by serving them. Love the hell out of them.

Loving others will heal you.

Then, there is the much harder part. Love yourself. Love yourself by treating yourself with respect. Love yourself by letting yourself look at your past mistakes ONLY to make future goals. Love yourself by realizing your unique talents and strengths. Love yourself by not comparing yourself to anyone else. Love yourself by allowing yourself to feel Christ's love for you daily. Love yourself by letting go of that running list of imperfections in your head and starting a new list of accomplishments. Love yourself by allowing yourself to dream big, but not allowing yourself to live in dreams alone. Love yourself by not letting those thoughts of worthlessness occupy space in your head and never letting them come out of your mouth.

I tell my students that I expect their personal best every single day. Let's face it people; our personal best is not perfect. It can't be. It's a fact. We all know that. Consider making a change in the way you think about it, though. Instead of expecting failure, expect your personal best. Forgive yourself for your imperfections and forgive others for theirs. Love the disease of perfection into remission.

Rainy Daze

I love rainy days. They make the world pause and look for a minute. I think rain speaks a metaphor of reflection to my soul. I always want to wrap up in a blanket on my couch and read or write. I tend to keep my life pretty fast-paced. My phone is my lifeline and it keeps me going, going, going. Even when I forget to put something in my calendar, I use it to text Amanda to find out what I'm supposed to be doing. Rainy days make me forget my phone upstairs and not even know it's missing.

My phone was on silent for most of the day yesterday. I attended a beautiful memorial for my good friend Erin's Oma. I aspire to touch people the way Oma did in this life. I went to the Temple afterwards and watched the Joseph Smith video. They have an exhibit of beautiful paintings of scenes from the Book of Mormon. I was alone in the room, so I even got to sit down and read for a few minutes. Moments like that make life so much easier to handle. I ran errands, got dressed, and played mexican train dominos with my friend family, plus a new friend.

This morning I'm laying on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, looking out the window, and writing. It's lovely.

Ridiculous!

It was a GORGEOUS Arizona day. I woke up early today and hiked the Wind Caves at Usery with my little sister and brother. It was beautiful. I felt so good and since we went slower today than last weekend, I didn't even get winded. Last weekend I didn't get to explore or anything at the top. This morning we walked around and checked out the wind caves. There were chipmunks running around. My balance still isn't the best, but I had so much energy! I was singing and dancing around.

After I napped and took a shower, I spent some time planning my part of Bishop's 5th Sunday lesson time. It was such a nice, relaxing, and peaceful day. Then, Kelsey and Akiva brought me a Vegas Roll from Sakai when they came over to check out the kind of pictures I needed for Yesteryear. I got to use my sushi set for the first time. After they left I went to Emily Waldie's. She was having a party, and since she's in a completely different ward than me, it was really fun to meet some new people. Lydia met me there and I had a good time hanging out with her.

Now that it is 1:30 and I should be going to bed. I have a ridiculous amount of energy! I feel SO good! I spent the last 30 minutes dancing around my bedroom getting ready for bed. Today was perfect.

P.S. I am also ridiculously happy.

Wind Cave

Chipmunks

In case you were wondering, Phoenix is <-- way.

Amazing view

At the bottom of the mountain.

We are one good-looking family!

My View From Up Here

I love hiking. I always have. The best memories I have of spending time as a whole family, including my dad, were hiking as a kid. We went all over the valley and always stopped on our way home from Woodruff to hike up north. It's been years since I've physically been able to hike. 110 pounds ago it would take me forever to hike a trail. I still did it every once and awhile, but I couldn't go with my friends because it wouldn't be fun for them to have to go so slow and rest so much.

Yesterday I went to Usery with Angela, Shawn, and Kevin. I was really nervous because physically I feel the best I have ever felt, but I know my body has limitations that I don't fully understand. It was kind of a test for me.

Obviously losing weight makes you feel better and be able to do more. By the time that I had gotten down to a weight were I could feel a lot better, I got MS. I feel like I never got to feel the physical benefits of losing weight. March I was a little off. April was weird. May was exhausting. June was horrible. July was beyond horrible. August was very bad. September was bad. October, November, and December made me forget what normal was. During those months I changed my definition of what a good day was. I honestly forgot what feeling good felt like. Halfway through January the fog of MS lifted. Now that my MS symptoms are almost completely gone, I get to feel the benefits of the weight loss too. I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. It's pretty wonderful.

Close to the top I started to feel tired and my balance just went out the window. I fell twice. I looked like a drunk person staggering around. I knew my body well enough to know it was time to stop. Luckily we were very close to the top. Physically I felt fine. My muscles felt good and my chest/lungs felt good too. I had that humming, nerves-are-not-firing-exactly-correctly feeling, though and my balance was definitely off. I was a little scared about making my way down. We rested for a few minutes and started down. I was careful and held on to rocks when I needed too, and by the time I got to the more solid part of the path, Angela and I were both skipping.

Two weeks ago I would have been in trouble. I would have had to be extremely cautious and careful to get down and I would have had a meltdown at the bottom of the mountain. I probably wouldn't have been able to drive myself home. I started to get upset when I first started feeling off, but I made Shawn talk to me to distract me from thinking about it. Angela entertained me all of the way down. I rested at the top and that was enough to keep going.

The part that still scares me is the uncertainty. I feel better physically now than I ever have. I want to do more hiking, running, dancing, playing... I feel like I never know when or how I will hit my limit, but I know that I'm not going to live in fear of my limits. As long as I have my supportive friends and family members around me, I will keep playing the balancing act of respecting and pushing my limits. My view is that normal will be whatever I accept.

♥

I may be the happiest girl you've ever met. Just thought I would let you know.

Clean Sheets Lead to Spiritual Enlightenment

Clean sheets are one of the best things in the world. There is nothing like climbing into soft, fragrant, crisp, silky sheets at the end of a long day. I would describe the experience as blissful. You would think, since I'm so fond of clean sheets, I would change my sheets more than every other week. I don't because it's hard work! I have to strip the bed, wash the mattress pad and comforter, dry the mattress pad and comforter, put the mattress pad on, then the fitted sheet, then tuck the top sheet in just right, then I put my down blanket on, then my comforter, then I have to put both pillows back in the freshly laundered shams, the regular pillows in the new sheets, make sure the bed skirt is hanging nicely, and place the decorative pillows just right. I pretty much need a nap when I'm done.

Today I feel that wonderful clean sheet feeling magnified 100 times. I am just feeling nice and clean in all areas of my life.

• Clean home- I'm lucky to have such a nice clean roommate. She pretty much never complains about my crazy OCD'ness. She does all of the chores I hate (taking the trash out and emptying the dishwasher) all the time before I even realize they need to be done. She even respects my weird, set-in-my-way, eccentric habits (no dishes on the right side of the sink, dish soap under the sink, comfy blankets folded up and put in their spot... basically, a place for everything and everything in it's place!). In exchange, I always clean the downstairs bathroom (she hates cleaning bathrooms) and I try to keep my OCD'ness in check. Today she got up and cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the living/dining room and the bathroom. Our house smells so good and clean. It always amazes me what a difference it makes when the couch if vacuumed. I love feeling so good in my home. It makes me so relaxed and comfortable in my own skin when everything is in order in my home. Amanda rocks at helping it stay that way all of the time.

• Clean bedroom and bathroom- Since I am the only one who ever sees my bedroom and bathroom, they do not stay quite as clean as the rest of our house. I have a really bad habit about using half of my bed as a closet. I am totally a "my side of the bed" sleeper whether anyone is in my bed or not. The other half is just empty all of the time, so it doesn't bother me at all to have my clean laundry piled over there. Did I mention I hate putting my laundry away? I was on such a role today that I folded and hung all of my laundry, organized my closet, and found a place for my new Christmas stuff. Bonus: I get to walk around with my huge, good headphones, ipod tucked into my sports bra, listening to really loud music. Double bonus: I did so much cleaning I didn't have to go to the gym today!

• Clean Mind- Anyone who knows me well knows I can't have hidden messes. You can open any closet or drawer in my house or classroom and it will sing the hallelujah chorus. If there is anything disorganized or messy, it will be right out on the table, counter, couch, or desk. I really don't know why I'm like that, but it makes me manic to have a mess somewhere that I can't keep an eye on. It makes my ADD go into hyper drive. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. When everything is put in it's place, I am calmer, relaxed, and my thoughts are clearer. Weird, huh? When my head is clear, my destructive thoughts turn into productive thoughts. I become a service oriented person.

• Clean Hands- Everyone knows that idle hands are the devil's playground. :-) Seriously though, knowing I have been productive has a snowball effect. I turn into a goal-orientated person and before I know it, I've gotten things done I've been meaning to do for months. It gives me a sense of accomplishment that reminds me of my worth and in turn reinforces my understanding of things that are not worthy of my time or energy.

• Clean Heart/Soul/Life- Cleanliness leads to order, which leads to clear thoughts, which leads to productive actions, which lead to true happiness. I have been working on cleaning my home, thoughts, and actions for awhile now. I feel like it's all kind of come together on this day I have off to remember the inspired vision of MLK. I am starting to have a vision of my life and the things I could accomplish/people I can serve with it. Now comes the hard part... believing I can and following through.

I had no idea when I woke up this morning with a yearning for clean sheets that it would turn into this "If You Give a Mouse A Cookie..." kind of experience. Life... the roller-coaster goes on.

Dancing Through Life

I have been having so much fun and feeling so great lately. I feel almost back to normal. It's kinda weird how that happened. I honestly didn't think I would ever feel this good again. I guess I better get my butt in gear now!

Highland has a Win to Lose team. We are competing against other schools in the district in a weight loss program. Everybody put in $5 and the winning team gets to split the pot. Bring it! I've been trying to eat a lot better and I have been mildly successful at it. I'm getting hardcore now and I'm menu planning and recording everything I eat.

Exercise has been a little tougher for me. I could barely get out of bed for school in the morning and I was exhausted by the time I got home. I was more successful during Christmas break, but unfortunately I don't think sleeping in and getting to the gym about noon is a lifestyle I will be able to live any time soon. I'm ready to get back into daily exercise. Exercise makes me feel so good and my Neurologist said I can push myself every other day. The in between days I can do weight training or walking. The more I exercise the more energy I will have.

Now I feel like I can dance around all day long. I've missed dancing around to the music that plays in my head. I've been doing more and more for the last two days and it seems like it's not a fluke. Dancing is back in my life. Yep. I'm back, baby!

Parent Conference Week

This week has flown by. It's hard to believe tomorrow is Friday. I don't think I've ever said that about a conference week before. Usually, the hurried shortened school days, stressful parent conferences, and getting home late every night makes this week seem to drag on for-EV-er. I had a dr. appointment on Monday, Tuesday was my late night at school, I met with my bishop on Wednesday, and I had another dr. appointment today. It's been busy, but I feel like I've hardly seen my kids, I surely didn't get to talk to all of my parents, and I had time to make and eat good dinners too.

My neurologist told me my medicine takes about 3 months to start working. It's been just over 3 months and when I told him about how bad my exhaustion had been, and how it has been much less for the last week and 1/2. Then I told him how good I've been feeling emotionally since last week. He said that his patients who Copaxone tend to have a time when they are like, "Oh. It's working now." The other meds aren't like that. It was pretty funny because I hadn't realized that all of the good things had started at the same time until he kept asking me questions. It was pretty good to figure that out. I go back in 3 months. If there is still no major problems then I will have another MRI 3 months after that at the 1 year mark. I'm very happy about that because I HATE MRI's.

I can't wait to hang out with Angela tomorrow! Happy Friday everyone!

Today

Happiness. Overflowing, uncontainable, happiness. Oddly hard to bear.

If you've ever wondered why I love to teach...

Two conversations that happened today at school.

1) A former student- 12 year old boy walks in to my classroom.

Me: "Hey Jami! How was your Christmas Break?"

Jami: "It was good. I got an ipod touch. Um..." *Awkward shuffle* "I'm not trying to be nice..." *baffled shrug* "but you look like you're losing a lot of weight." *Quizical look*

Me: *Beaming smile* "Awww! That was pretty nice for not wanting to be nice"

Jami: *Flustered and making his way to the door* "Well. I mean I'm not just saying that to be nice." *Turns to flee*

Me: *Chases him to the door* "Thanks Jami! That's why I love you!" Shouted down the hall after the retreating figure*

Priceless!

2) Former student- 13 year old girl knocks on my classroom door a little after 4 pm.

Me: "Alyssa! Hey! How are you? How was your break?" *Hugging ensues*

Alyssa: "It was good. I got a new phone, but I can't show you because I left it in the car."

Me: "Awesome! Are you just stopping by to say hi on your way home from school?" (She goes to Jr. High now.)

Alyssa: "Yeah. I begged my mom to let me stop here, to see you, when she picked me up from school."

Me: "Sweet. Did she drop you off?"

Alyssa: "Yeah. Well... Kinda... She's brought me here, but she's outside in the car."

Me: "She's sitting outside...? Waiting in the car...?"

Alyssa: "Yeah. She said I have 5 minutes to talk to you, then I have to go. It's my reward because I've been doing good in school."

I'm not kidding. Both of those things happened on my first day back for the second quarter. Don't lie. You wish you were a teacher.

Just Keep Swimming - Or At Least Stop Floundering: An MS Update

Everyone keeps asking for an update on my MS. It's a little complicated though. The short answer is I am doing a million times better, but I think my MS is a little worse.

The long answer:

The last couple of months have been pretty emotionally rough. Life is tough. I've had my share of ups and downs throughout my 30 years, but I've always been able to keep an optimistic outlook on life. My mom told me that life is what you make of it. I took that to mean if I wanted to be happy, than I needed to make that happen. This whole MS thing has thrown me for a loop and I have struggled to maintain a positive attitude.

I'm not going to lie, it kicks my butt pretty much daily.

I feel helpless. When my body is done, there is nothing I can do to keep it going. No amount of hard work, wishing, planning, stubbornness, or pretending makes it better. It's hard to accept that I can't do something. I was taught that with hard work anything is possible. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I've toughed my way into a life I love.

I feel defeated. It is very hard for me to accept help when others have to do things for me. I'm afraid I'm not very gracious to the people who love me and gladly help me when I need it.

I feel betrayed. My own body is working against me. My brain processes my emotions differently now. I will cry at the drop of a hat. A commercial about the Armed Forces comes on... BOOM! I'm crying like a baby. Movies where people are not nice to each other really upsets me. Worst of all... things people say offend me now. I've always been able to let things roll off my back, but now I feel like I don't want to waste any energy on ignoring comments. Now I have no time or patience for pettiness, selfishness, hurtfulness, or meanness. I've always admired how tolerant my mom is and I've been very thankful that her tolerance rubbed off on me. I feel like MS is changing my personality.

I feel scared. I don't know what to expect. Weird things happen and I don't know what to do. A good friend always tells me that you can't waste time worrying about what might happen. The door to a lot more "mights" has been opened and I find it harder than usual to follow her advice.

I feel alone. I have a wonderful family, a ton of supportive friends, and a relationship with my Savior that I cherish. I've recently lost the person that I viewed as my confidant and best friend. I thought he could be the holder of my dreams and fears, the one I relied on to know what "normal" is for me, the one who allowed me to feel like if I couldn't quite make it, he would cary me until I could. It's not really a role my family or friends can fill. It requires a physical being that I can hold on to. I'm a very independent person, so it was hard to find, which makes it even harder to lose. The situation is as it should be. I wouldn't change any of it, including the outcome, if I could. I still mourn the loss of the feeling of having someone who was mine and who felt that I was his. I look forward to finding the person that will truly be my partner, but in the meantime...

Physically I have extreme fatigue pretty much daily. My left leg and arm are a little bit worse. They've always acted up when I'm tired, but it seems like they are unreliable more randomly through the day. I am spastic. No, I'm not calling myself derogatory names, that is what they call it when you are physically unstable or shaky. Whenever the blood rushes to my head (ie. whenever I stand up) I feel faint, dimming of vision and hearing, and dizzy. It is more acute when I am tired. Once or twice a week I feel nauseous, very dizzy, and on the verge of passing out. This means I am ready for bed, like it or not. Exercise seems to exacerbate my condition, but it helps the extreme fatigue. I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can count the number of days MS has not affected me physically, since April, on one hand. Oh yeah! I also had one weird bout of phantom movement in my left arm and leg. I was trying to sleep and my arm and leg would feel like they were moving, but they weren't. The only word I can use to describe that is "strange."

Out of all of the above I have the hardest time with struggling to be positive. It's not a fight I am used to fighting. It's hasn't always been easy, but I have chosen optimism so many times that I guess I thought it was an innate quality in me. Certainly friends and family would put it at the top of the list if they were asked to list my traits. I'm getting better at it every day. I've recently decided that whatever I accept as "normal" for me is what will be "normal" for me. My MS tends to disagree sometimes, but I have a feeling we will come to a truce soon. The more I get a handle on maintaing my positivity, the better I feel about everything. Removing stress from my life is a must. I am pretty stress free right now, and that means I'm feeling pretty good right now. Prayer, scripture study, church, friends, quality time with family, and exercise have done wonders for my mental state. I feel like I might not ever figure it out, but most days I feel like that's okay. I'm damn sure gonna to keep trying!

New Year Resolutions

I've always liked New Year Resolutions. It's a good time to make goals. It shouldn't be an excuse to put off things you should be doing. I've done that in the past. I am always thinking and changing the way I'm doing things and now I consider the New Year a good time to write down specific goals.

I feel like every year has a theme for me. Here is the last decade of my life.

• 2001: Life is Hopeless- I was fired from Bank One and 9/11 happened.
• 2002: Eat, Breathe, Sleep- I literally did nothing.
• 2003: Just Keep Moving/Defog- I started working for April, Shannon, and The Girls Ranch. No plan-just move.
• 2004: Set Goals!- I got serious about school and about figuring out who I wanted to be. Key Bueler year.
• 2005: Work Hard- Intern, MPS, Girls Ranch, 3 nanny jobs, and full-time ASU. I was busy. I also moved out with Emilie.
• 2006: Achieve my Goals- I went through the Temple, graduated from college, traveled overseas, and landed my dream job.
• 2007: Survive Success- My first year of teaching and being an uber active church member was new and challenging for me.
• 2008: I Don't Belong- I felt like I didn't fit in at church or with my family, and like I shouldn't fit in with the people I loved.
• 2009: Make Myself Happy- I tried anything I could to make myself happy.
• 2010: Love and Life- Basically, I found out I was wrong about both.

Keeping that in mind, here is my theme for 2011... (insert drum roll)...

2011: Happiness is a (Hard) Choice

I set 10 goals. I have a spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, personal, relationship/social life, family, financial, career, and service goal. They are all hard-core, but that's how I roll.

One of my goals involves journaling. I consider blogging to be a form of journaling for me. I'm a linguistic person and I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out in writing so I could figure out what they were. I need to use words to express how I'm feeling and what I want. I have two blogs. One is just for me and this one is to allow me to share my thoughts with my friends and family. It's not easy for me to do that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do, because I have the best friends and family. All I know is that I feel like I'm keeping them in the loop when I blog.

I never intended this blog to be solely about MS. It just happened that the subject was a main topic in my life this year. Another one of my goals this year is to stop SURVIVING my life with MS and start LIVING my life with MS. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing that, but I will keep you updated.

I tend to get very self-conscious when I go back and read my blog posts. In fact I've erased every blog entry I've written that isn't about MS. I'm going to stop that now. If you choose to read my blog keep in mind this content advisory: I'm writing for myself. If you think I'm too boring or too crazy or just plain wrong (which would be weird because I'm always right*), stop reading my blog. When I look back at some of the things I've written, I can't believe that I felt, acted, or believed a certain way. Life is a learning experience and what is a journal if not a catalog of lessons learned?

I love life. I always have. I never have regrets and I never spend time wishing I would have done something differently. I make a lot of mistakes. Some of them are fantastically wonderful and some are fantastically disastrous. Oddly, about 50% of my mistakes are both. That's life. It's messy, unpredictable, sweet, hard, beautiful, entertaining, and it goes on whether we are ready for it or not. My goal for the last 6 years has been to live the hell out of it.

Here's to new life experiences in the new year. Cheers!

*With the exception of 3 times when I was very wrong- Once in the 80's, once in the 90's, and once in the 00's. So, sometime in the 10's I expect I might be wrong again.

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela

I feel good today.

Not fine, not okay, not good... considering.

For the first time in 5 months, I have felt GOOD for the entire day. I had energy all day. I accomplished a lot at school. I (unexpectedly) had to tutor after school. I went to the gym and ran 2 miles. I even still had energy to go to Jaclyn's house and get caught up on Weeds. I'm not just still awake. I STILL FEEL GOOD!

Hence the title of my bog today. It has always been one of my favorite quotes, because it continually has a different meaning for me. Today it means that I can find joy in what used to be normal. A day that used to make me smile, now makes me cry. Don't worry! They're good tears- happy, thankful, humble, lessons-learned-the-hard-way, faith-sustaining tears. Life is good.

Don't take your health for granted. Live life to the fullest. Don't sit back and let life happen to you; make it happen! There are a lot more cliché's that are appropriate, but I don't want to push my luck. I know that If my eyeballs don't see the back of my eye-sockets sometimes in the nines, tomorrow might not be as great as today.

Today was a good day.

Trey's First Day of School

Trey had his first day of Kindergarten this week. I'm super excited because he gets to come to school with me. I get to pick him up and bring him to school with me every morning. I was really nervous and excited for him the first day, but he was totally relaxed and calm. Every time I told him something he was like, "I know." He is my first nephew to go to school, so it's all pretty exciting and fun.

He loves Mrs. Ide and all of his friends. At the end of the day he is very tired and hungry. On Friday he said, "I met too many friends." I love it when I get to see him out and about campus. My class was stopped in the hall to let his class by one day and I totally disrupted his line when I stopped to ask him how his lunch was and give him a kiss. His biggest complaint this week was that he opened his own cookies at lunch time and two fell on the floor. He stepped on them because he couldn't eat them. Boys!

Two of my students pick him up from class everyday 5 minutes before the bell rings (it was a problem when I had a parent waiting outside my door to talk to me and Pat had to wait for me to get Trey so she could take a kid to the daycare vans). He loves hanging with "the big kids" and they love him. He gave all of the 5th graders a starburst on Friday and told them, "You rock! Good job, big kids."

Every morning he brings his breakfast and eats it in my class. After school, he wants to be just like Nick and Aaron and play games on the computer. I had to tell Mom to wait for 15 minutes after school gets out so that he has time to play for a minute. I love getting to spend a little bit of time with him everyday!

Changes for the Better

The first week of school has come and gone and I survived! It was so much fun! I love my new class. The kids are so cute, fun, sweet, and funny. I have a couple of siblings of previous students that I keep calling the wrong name. I never thought I would be that teacher, but apparently I am. The best part is I have four students that I taught when they were in 1st grade. I get to be their teacher twice. In all, 1/3 of the parents of my students this year know me and are letting me teach one of their kids again. I was a lot less nervous this year for curriculum night because I already knew most of the parents who came.

I did pretty well health wise too. The first day I got tired about 15 minutes before the bell rang. The second day I was good while the students were there, but was exhausted by the time I got home. Yesterday I was good all day. I even went to the movies last night with Cherish! I napped everyday, but on Thursday I took a 2 hour nap and still slept for 8 hours. Apparently 10 hours of sleep is what I need to get through the day these days.

I need to try to exercise in the mornings when I still have all of my strength, but I'm not sure what kind of exercise I should do. I am trying to build my strength back up to pre-treatment days, but I can't do boot-camp or the elliptical yet. Swimming is my favorite because it gives me a workout, but I can't fall or otherwise hurt myself. I just don't want to have chlorine in my hair everyday. I'm going to have to look into classes at the Y, I guess. I will just do what I can. If I workout at 5 am, I will have to be asleep at 9 pm. That will be a very big change for me. All of these lifestyle changes are kind of hard to handle, but they will make my quality of life so much better.

I finally got to talk to someone with MS. A parent of one of my students has had it for 7 years and she has been talking to me and answering a lot of my questions. I love it because she is able to put into words things I couldn't articulate. This is a quote from an email she sent me. "Like most MS patients, you are an over-achiever. Anyone who's been at Highland long enough knows that you go out on limbs, dream big and spend lots of extra time thinking and planning for your students. We are like that - obsessive, stressful people who can accomplish more than 5 people at once. They don't take "no" for an answer and demand more of themselves than they expect of others. A little type-casting there. Changing your mindset won't be easy. Obstacles for me have always been a challenge, not a roadblock. MS was just another obstacle at first, until I realized, there's no fooling the body, there's no pretending you don't have it, there's no "pushing through" the fatigue. It stops you. That's why one of the mottos of the MS organization is 'Stop MS from Stopping Others.' Another one is 'Keep Moving.'" She's given me advice on how to keep moving.

I am still really emotional at times. It's a part of MS that this parent and my regular doctor have warned me about. Plus, I've read a lot of articles that talk about mental health changes associated with MS. Between me, my doctors, my friends, and my bishop, I'll figure it out. My bishop gave me a much needed blessing on Wednesday. It has done wonders for me and taken off a lot of stress I felt about deciding on treatments and (seemingly) my future. Most of the time I am still very aware of what a lucky girl I am and how fabulous my support system is. I've always been pretty good at change. Most of the time I crave it. I guess I was a little too comfortable with how my life was going, because this is forcing me to make changes. The more I fight it, the harder it will be, so I guess it's time to give in. I will just keep telling myself these changes will lead to a better me.

The One Where I Complain and Then Go On to Talk About MS Therapy Options More In-depth Then You Ever Wanted to Know

Note: I contained myself to two paragraphs of complaining. Skip the next two paragraphs and you will miss all of the self-pity.

I think I felt better today than any other day in a month, but I am really frustrated right now. I am exhausted and have been since 6:30 pm. It's like my body decides it's done and then that's it. I have trouble walking. I can't lift or cary things. Even my purse (shut up, it's not THAT heavy) or a drink is too heavy! Plus, if I continue to do even the most basic task (ie. walk, stand, fold laundry) it gets worse really quickly and I get dizzy. Oh yeah, and I get grumpy. Pooh! I really have been taking it easy. It's just the better I feel, the more I realize how far away from normal I still am. Before it was just a shock and I guess I felt like I was sick, but usually when you're sick you get better relatively quickly.

Plus, I'm having a hard time with missing out on things. My friends went out a couple of weekends ago and I knew I couldn't go with them. They had the best time and I missed out on all of their fun stories. I wanted to go tubing tomorrow, but I can't. I was trying to help Amanda cary chairs to her new classroom today. Everyone else can cary 4 at a time. I tried, but then had to put 2 down. It's embarrassing and it makes me feel weak. I'm trying to set up my classroom, but I can't do a lot of the stuff I need too. Jarrah and Melissa have always helped me set my room up, but this year I can't do it without them. I HATE that I can't do it. Grrr! Alright, I'm done now.

I am so lucky to have so much support from my family and friends. Jarrah and Melissa have been helping me work for a week now. Today when I told Jaclyn I couldn't go tubing, she decided to stay home and come over to my house to swim in the morning instead. For awhile I was too tired to do really anything. When I play Rock Band my left hand has a hard time. Lot's of my friends have come over and played Rock Band with whoever else was here while I just sat on the couch. I think it was kind of awkward for them. They always want to help me with something. However, I really appreciated things being like they usually are, even if I can't participate. I still have way too much thinking time, but I am getting better about filling that time with other things.

Therese went with me to my neurologist appointment yesterday. She is an excellent note-taker. Plus I had questions written down for Dr. Granger and she reminded me of them when I forgot to ask. He basically said that I'm borderline and can't be diagnosed with clinical MS at this time. He said whether or not I go on a therapy will be a personal decision.

The pro's are, both kinds of therapies statistically reduce attacks by 35% a year and brain lesion activity by 75% a year. Plus, studies show that the earlier you start a therapy the slower your disability progresses. They say it also delays the clinical MS diagnosis because it delays another attack (which is good). He gave me a lot of info on the two therapies I qualify for. He said he has almost 600 patients with MS. A couple hundred are on Avonex, a couple hundred are on Copaxone, and 42 are on Trosoverin (a harsh chemo related drug which I do not qualify for). That leaves around 100 that have chosen not to have any therapy at this time. He said if I have another attack I won't have a choice. Another pro is people who are untreated have to have an MRI every 6 months. If I am on a therapy I have to have one every year for 2 years (after my next one in 3-6 months to see if these lesions have gone away), then only when I have symptoms.

The con's are, therapy means I have to give myself shots. Weird! Plus, we can't rule out that I might have that other disease that I can't pronounce (it's not whatever I said it was before, but it sounds like that, lol), which is a one time virus that attacks your brain and then goes away. I will have to ask Therese if she remembers, but I think he said 85% (it could be 80% or 90%, I can't remember) of people with lesions like mine have MS.

The two drugs work differently in your brain:

Avonex (interferon beta-1a)- Only 3 shots a week, but most people experience mild flu-like side effects. Plus, a small group of people get a severe liver problem from it, so I would have to have my liver tested regularly for a year. It is also linked with depression and sadness.

Copaxone (glatiramer acetate)- No side effects, but you have to have a shot every day.

I'm not done researching yet, but right now I think I want to start a therapy. There are several reasons. 1) Every personal story and clinical research I have read so far says the sooner you start a treatment the better. 2) My doctor said I have mild MS and a lot of the research I have done explains crazy (and painful) symptoms. My MS sucks! I am willing to give myself a shot everyday to keep the "mild" form I have. 3) I don't personally know anyone who has MS, but my Aunt Linda's best friend and Amy K.'s neighbor both do and both Linda and Amy told me they said they take a shot everyday and never feel like they have MS. Both have been symptom free for years. I will keep researching and praying about it. I still can't start a therapy until I'm done with this attack. I see my neurologist again in a month.

Dr. Granger said when you have an attack it goes away on it's own with or without treatment. He made me have the solu-medrol transfusions because it has been clinically proven to prevent another attack for 3-12 months. That gives us a window of opportunity to talk about therapy and get started. He said because I still have my symptoms I probably had the treatment too late in my attack, but that it will still go away on it's own. He also said that he has patients who refuse to do the solu-medrol again and he doesn't make them.

I learned something new during this visit. Our t-cells (immune system) regenerate every 3 months. We have lots of them. When mine regenerate, some of them have MS and some don't. I think that I only get lesions when a certain percentage at any given time have MS. Basically I have to have enough to cause damage. There is a new drug on the fast-track for approval by the FDA that kills all of the t-cells in your body. You have no immune system for 3 months. It is actually being approved for cancer patients, but clinical studies have shown it to be a cure for MS. When the t-cells regenerate, 90% of MS patients have no trace of MS. Crazy, huh! That would mean a cure for MS. Obviously there is no long term data, but Dr. Granger is very interested in the research.

I know that I have bored you to death, but you can see all of the information I have to read and the decisions I have to make. It really helps me to write about it. Plus, I can get all of your opinions. Thanks for reading my blog. I think everyone is scared to comment on my blog because they know I am a pretty private person and because most of you text or FB message me about it. A lot of you have also asked me if you can tell so-and-so, who's not on FB and doesn't know yet. I have gotten so much out of writing about everything and talking to all of you. When I start to get self-conscious I think about how all of your support has helped me and I realize how much I need it. If it's on the blog, it's fair game. Goodnight! I need to be well-rested so I can swim with Jac in the morning!

I'm human again

I'm beginning to feel SO much better. I almost feel human again! I'm sorry for all of the depressing FB statuses and comments. I was very discouraged by the end of last week. Not only was I extremely emotional, I hadn't counted on the medicine making me feel worse than I already did. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was too tired, weak, and constantly dizzy. Plus it was all I could do not to cry all the time. Not fun. I had a lot of stress this weekend that made it even worse. I've become better at listening to my body and resting when I need to rest though.

I have felt pretty good since yesterday. I think it helped that I was able to go out and get some stuff done (with the help of my little sister, Melissa). It made me feel functioning again. I just have to remember to take it easy. I so badly want to run around like I usually do, but I get tired quickly so I have to remember to stop and relax every couple of hours. Plus I still can't drive all of the time. The stinking heat doesn't help matters! I got to go out and have ice cream with Becky yesterday and I got to meet Patty for lunch today. I've been working for Suzi at school for a couple of hours in the morning this week. I'm thinking this week will continue to go like this- Work at school until I get tired (usually 2-3 hours even though Melissa is really doing all of the work), go home and lay down for an hour, go do something fun with someone, come home and take a nap, do some light work at home/dinner with a friend, relax, sleep. I'm hanging with the Cook family tomorrow and meeting Angela for dinner on Friday. Anyone want to hang out on Thursday?

Today I realized that I hadn't returned my contract for the 10-11 school year and they are due today, so I had to make a trip to the Mesa Bank Building in the middle of the day. It was SO hot I was instantly tired, even though I'd just woken up from my nap. I was very embarrassed because most of the time you can't tell when my symptoms flare up, but when Melissa and I were trying to get on the full elevator (after Kevin Mendival got out) my left leg and arm went wonky and I had to throw my arm out to stop the door from closing and then hobble into the elevator. I got dizzy and had to grab onto Melissa's arm. I almost started crying. I look fine on the outside. No one can see my brain lesions (except the radiologist and my neurologist). All the people in the elevator were looking at me like I was going to keel over. I did not enjoy it.

I still have all of my MS symptoms, but they happen less often now. My doctor said the medicine would take 6-7 days to work and I started them last Monday, so I guess I thought it would be better already. I'm not complaining though. At least I can function now! My next doctors appointment is on Monday morning, so I will know about treatment and other things then.

I'm still a little emotional sometimes. Especially late at night. It's silly, but I alternately feel sad and hurt or really good and sappy. Both are annoying because I say stupid things either way. Sorry if I've said something to you that made you say, "Okaaaaay." : ) It stinks because as soon as I'm rational I'm like, "Yeah, sorry about that." Geesh! I'm not going to have any friends when I'm done with this.

Day 3- I'm done.

I'm an expert.

Everytime they ask about a side effect I tell them how I counteract it. Heartburn- I have taken a zantac 2 hours before my transfusion everday. Bad taste- Ice Breaker sours on my lap. Blood Sugar- I've stayed under 5 carbs everday. Of course I thought it was okay to have a cookie after dinner today which led to a blood sugar of 280. I swam and brought it down to 177, but it made me extremely tired and dizzy. Sleep- I nap and sleep about 5 hours the first 2 days. Only 20 min. nap today. I will probably sleep tonight. I keep out bubbles by not lifting my arm. My MS journal is updated everyday. I have a list of questions for my next neurologist appointment.

Camilla took me today. We were highly entertained by the nurses today. Nurse Pam from the first day pictures would like me to let you know that she is single and looking for a nice adventurerous man who likes to travel.

Can you spot all 3 sticks? Clue: Day 3 is the brightest red. Day 2 is to the left of that. Day 1 is barely visable above day 2.

Sandra came all the way down from Flagstaff just to see me. Of course I got extremely tired on the way to my mom's house and only stayed for a couple of minutes.

Sandra, David, and Matt all visited with me for a few minutes. They made me laugh really hard.

Two of my favorite guys. Matt wanted to know if my doctor misdiagnosed me and just forgot to add the "P" to the begining of my diagnosis.

Will letting my cry myself to sleep... again. I keep thinking he's going to rethink the whole wanting to be my friend thing, but he keeps sticking around. I've had a really hard time emotionaly today. I've had 3000 mg of steroids in 3 days and I am incredibly weepy. I'm tired of not feeling good. I'm exhausted. I'm having a hard time accepting that I still don't have control of my body. I hate being so weak and helpless. I hate not being able to do normal things. This MS stuff has kicked me in the butt. It's rough. I do not do "dependent" very well. I relate very well to the girl in Rob Thomas's song Diamonds. I'm trying though. I can't wait for remission and the months/years I get to enjoy before my next relapse. I know I can handle it. I will handle it, but I'm very thankful I'm done with my solu-medrol infusions. Sheesh, I'm an emotional wreck!

I love you all. Thanks for all of the love, prayers, and support I keep getting by the dozens. Lot's of you said you would come hang out with me and help me occupy my time, but I'm just not there yet. Sometimes it's all I can do to sit in the living room with Pam and the kids. Lot's of times I can't even do that. I will take you up on your offers in the next coming weeks though, I'm sure.