Sunday, January 9, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
If you've ever wondered why I love to teach...
Two conversations that happened today at school.
1) A former student- 12 year old boy walks in to my classroom.
Me: "Hey Jami! How was your Christmas Break?"
Jami: "It was good. I got an ipod touch. Um..." *Awkward shuffle* "I'm not trying to be nice..." *baffled shrug* "but you look like you're losing a lot of weight." *Quizical look*
Me: *Beaming smile* "Awww! That was pretty nice for not wanting to be nice"
Jami: *Flustered and making his way to the door* "Well. I mean I'm not just saying that to be nice." *Turns to flee*
Me: *Chases him to the door* "Thanks Jami! That's why I love you!" Shouted down the hall after the retreating figure*
Priceless!
2) Former student- 13 year old girl knocks on my classroom door a little after 4 pm.
Me: "Alyssa! Hey! How are you? How was your break?" *Hugging ensues*
Alyssa: "It was good. I got a new phone, but I can't show you because I left it in the car."
Me: "Awesome! Are you just stopping by to say hi on your way home from school?" (She goes to Jr. High now.)
Alyssa: "Yeah. I begged my mom to let me stop here, to see you, when she picked me up from school."
Me: "Sweet. Did she drop you off?"
Alyssa: "Yeah. Well... Kinda... She's brought me here, but she's outside in the car."
Me: "She's sitting outside...? Waiting in the car...?"
Alyssa: "Yeah. She said I have 5 minutes to talk to you, then I have to go. It's my reward because I've been doing good in school."
I'm not kidding. Both of those things happened on my first day back for the second quarter. Don't lie. You wish you were a teacher.
1) A former student- 12 year old boy walks in to my classroom.
Me: "Hey Jami! How was your Christmas Break?"
Jami: "It was good. I got an ipod touch. Um..." *Awkward shuffle* "I'm not trying to be nice..." *baffled shrug* "but you look like you're losing a lot of weight." *Quizical look*
Me: *Beaming smile* "Awww! That was pretty nice for not wanting to be nice"
Jami: *Flustered and making his way to the door* "Well. I mean I'm not just saying that to be nice." *Turns to flee*
Me: *Chases him to the door* "Thanks Jami! That's why I love you!" Shouted down the hall after the retreating figure*
Priceless!
2) Former student- 13 year old girl knocks on my classroom door a little after 4 pm.
Me: "Alyssa! Hey! How are you? How was your break?" *Hugging ensues*
Alyssa: "It was good. I got a new phone, but I can't show you because I left it in the car."
Me: "Awesome! Are you just stopping by to say hi on your way home from school?" (She goes to Jr. High now.)
Alyssa: "Yeah. I begged my mom to let me stop here, to see you, when she picked me up from school."
Me: "Sweet. Did she drop you off?"
Alyssa: "Yeah. Well... Kinda... She's brought me here, but she's outside in the car."
Me: "She's sitting outside...? Waiting in the car...?"
Alyssa: "Yeah. She said I have 5 minutes to talk to you, then I have to go. It's my reward because I've been doing good in school."
I'm not kidding. Both of those things happened on my first day back for the second quarter. Don't lie. You wish you were a teacher.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Just Keep Swimming - Or At Least Stop Floundering: An MS Update
Everyone keeps asking for an update on my MS. It's a little complicated though. The short answer is I am doing a million times better, but I think my MS is a little worse.
The long answer:
The last couple of months have been pretty emotionally rough. Life is tough. I've had my share of ups and downs throughout my 30 years, but I've always been able to keep an optimistic outlook on life. My mom told me that life is what you make of it. I took that to mean if I wanted to be happy, than I needed to make that happen. This whole MS thing has thrown me for a loop and I have struggled to maintain a positive attitude.
I'm not going to lie, it kicks my butt pretty much daily.
I feel helpless. When my body is done, there is nothing I can do to keep it going. No amount of hard work, wishing, planning, stubbornness, or pretending makes it better. It's hard to accept that I can't do something. I was taught that with hard work anything is possible. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I've toughed my way into a life I love.
I feel defeated. It is very hard for me to accept help when others have to do things for me. I'm afraid I'm not very gracious to the people who love me and gladly help me when I need it.
I feel betrayed. My own body is working against me. My brain processes my emotions differently now. I will cry at the drop of a hat. A commercial about the Armed Forces comes on... BOOM! I'm crying like a baby. Movies where people are not nice to each other really upsets me. Worst of all... things people say offend me now. I've always been able to let things roll off my back, but now I feel like I don't want to waste any energy on ignoring comments. Now I have no time or patience for pettiness, selfishness, hurtfulness, or meanness. I've always admired how tolerant my mom is and I've been very thankful that her tolerance rubbed off on me. I feel like MS is changing my personality.
I feel scared. I don't know what to expect. Weird things happen and I don't know what to do. A good friend always tells me that you can't waste time worrying about what might happen. The door to a lot more "mights" has been opened and I find it harder than usual to follow her advice.
I feel alone. I have a wonderful family, a ton of supportive friends, and a relationship with my Savior that I cherish. I've recently lost the person that I viewed as my confidant and best friend. I thought he could be the holder of my dreams and fears, the one I relied on to know what "normal" is for me, the one who allowed me to feel like if I couldn't quite make it, he would cary me until I could. It's not really a role my family or friends can fill. It requires a physical being that I can hold on to. I'm a very independent person, so it was hard to find, which makes it even harder to lose. The situation is as it should be. I wouldn't change any of it, including the outcome, if I could. I still mourn the loss of the feeling of having someone who was mine and who felt that I was his. I look forward to finding the person that will truly be my partner, but in the meantime...
Physically I have extreme fatigue pretty much daily. My left leg and arm are a little bit worse. They've always acted up when I'm tired, but it seems like they are unreliable more randomly through the day. I am spastic. No, I'm not calling myself derogatory names, that is what they call it when you are physically unstable or shaky. Whenever the blood rushes to my head (ie. whenever I stand up) I feel faint, dimming of vision and hearing, and dizzy. It is more acute when I am tired. Once or twice a week I feel nauseous, very dizzy, and on the verge of passing out. This means I am ready for bed, like it or not. Exercise seems to exacerbate my condition, but it helps the extreme fatigue. I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can count the number of days MS has not affected me physically, since April, on one hand. Oh yeah! I also had one weird bout of phantom movement in my left arm and leg. I was trying to sleep and my arm and leg would feel like they were moving, but they weren't. The only word I can use to describe that is "strange."
Out of all of the above I have the hardest time with struggling to be positive. It's not a fight I am used to fighting. It's hasn't always been easy, but I have chosen optimism so many times that I guess I thought it was an innate quality in me. Certainly friends and family would put it at the top of the list if they were asked to list my traits. I'm getting better at it every day. I've recently decided that whatever I accept as "normal" for me is what will be "normal" for me. My MS tends to disagree sometimes, but I have a feeling we will come to a truce soon. The more I get a handle on maintaing my positivity, the better I feel about everything. Removing stress from my life is a must. I am pretty stress free right now, and that means I'm feeling pretty good right now. Prayer, scripture study, church, friends, quality time with family, and exercise have done wonders for my mental state. I feel like I might not ever figure it out, but most days I feel like that's okay. I'm damn sure gonna to keep trying!
The long answer:
The last couple of months have been pretty emotionally rough. Life is tough. I've had my share of ups and downs throughout my 30 years, but I've always been able to keep an optimistic outlook on life. My mom told me that life is what you make of it. I took that to mean if I wanted to be happy, than I needed to make that happen. This whole MS thing has thrown me for a loop and I have struggled to maintain a positive attitude.
I'm not going to lie, it kicks my butt pretty much daily.
I feel helpless. When my body is done, there is nothing I can do to keep it going. No amount of hard work, wishing, planning, stubbornness, or pretending makes it better. It's hard to accept that I can't do something. I was taught that with hard work anything is possible. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I've toughed my way into a life I love.
I feel defeated. It is very hard for me to accept help when others have to do things for me. I'm afraid I'm not very gracious to the people who love me and gladly help me when I need it.
I feel betrayed. My own body is working against me. My brain processes my emotions differently now. I will cry at the drop of a hat. A commercial about the Armed Forces comes on... BOOM! I'm crying like a baby. Movies where people are not nice to each other really upsets me. Worst of all... things people say offend me now. I've always been able to let things roll off my back, but now I feel like I don't want to waste any energy on ignoring comments. Now I have no time or patience for pettiness, selfishness, hurtfulness, or meanness. I've always admired how tolerant my mom is and I've been very thankful that her tolerance rubbed off on me. I feel like MS is changing my personality.
I feel scared. I don't know what to expect. Weird things happen and I don't know what to do. A good friend always tells me that you can't waste time worrying about what might happen. The door to a lot more "mights" has been opened and I find it harder than usual to follow her advice.
I feel alone. I have a wonderful family, a ton of supportive friends, and a relationship with my Savior that I cherish. I've recently lost the person that I viewed as my confidant and best friend. I thought he could be the holder of my dreams and fears, the one I relied on to know what "normal" is for me, the one who allowed me to feel like if I couldn't quite make it, he would cary me until I could. It's not really a role my family or friends can fill. It requires a physical being that I can hold on to. I'm a very independent person, so it was hard to find, which makes it even harder to lose. The situation is as it should be. I wouldn't change any of it, including the outcome, if I could. I still mourn the loss of the feeling of having someone who was mine and who felt that I was his. I look forward to finding the person that will truly be my partner, but in the meantime...
Physically I have extreme fatigue pretty much daily. My left leg and arm are a little bit worse. They've always acted up when I'm tired, but it seems like they are unreliable more randomly through the day. I am spastic. No, I'm not calling myself derogatory names, that is what they call it when you are physically unstable or shaky. Whenever the blood rushes to my head (ie. whenever I stand up) I feel faint, dimming of vision and hearing, and dizzy. It is more acute when I am tired. Once or twice a week I feel nauseous, very dizzy, and on the verge of passing out. This means I am ready for bed, like it or not. Exercise seems to exacerbate my condition, but it helps the extreme fatigue. I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can count the number of days MS has not affected me physically, since April, on one hand. Oh yeah! I also had one weird bout of phantom movement in my left arm and leg. I was trying to sleep and my arm and leg would feel like they were moving, but they weren't. The only word I can use to describe that is "strange."
Out of all of the above I have the hardest time with struggling to be positive. It's not a fight I am used to fighting. It's hasn't always been easy, but I have chosen optimism so many times that I guess I thought it was an innate quality in me. Certainly friends and family would put it at the top of the list if they were asked to list my traits. I'm getting better at it every day. I've recently decided that whatever I accept as "normal" for me is what will be "normal" for me. My MS tends to disagree sometimes, but I have a feeling we will come to a truce soon. The more I get a handle on maintaing my positivity, the better I feel about everything. Removing stress from my life is a must. I am pretty stress free right now, and that means I'm feeling pretty good right now. Prayer, scripture study, church, friends, quality time with family, and exercise have done wonders for my mental state. I feel like I might not ever figure it out, but most days I feel like that's okay. I'm damn sure gonna to keep trying!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year Resolutions
I've always liked New Year Resolutions. It's a good time to make goals. It shouldn't be an excuse to put off things you should be doing. I've done that in the past. I am always thinking and changing the way I'm doing things and now I consider the New Year a good time to write down specific goals.
I feel like every year has a theme for me. Here is the last decade of my life.
• 2001: Life is Hopeless- I was fired from Bank One and 9/11 happened.
• 2002: Eat, Breathe, Sleep- I literally did nothing.
• 2003: Just Keep Moving/Defog- I started working for April, Shannon, and The Girls Ranch. No plan-just move.
• 2004: Set Goals!- I got serious about school and about figuring out who I wanted to be. Key Bueler year.
• 2005: Work Hard- Intern, MPS, Girls Ranch, 3 nanny jobs, and full-time ASU. I was busy. I also moved out with Emilie.
• 2006: Achieve my Goals- I went through the Temple, graduated from college, traveled overseas, and landed my dream job.
• 2007: Survive Success- My first year of teaching and being an uber active church member was new and challenging for me.
• 2008: I Don't Belong- I felt like I didn't fit in at church or with my family, and like I shouldn't fit in with the people I loved.
• 2009: Make Myself Happy- I tried anything I could to make myself happy.
• 2010: Love and Life- Basically, I found out I was wrong about both.
Keeping that in mind, here is my theme for 2011... (insert drum roll)...
2011: Happiness is a (Hard) Choice
I set 10 goals. I have a spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, personal, relationship/social life, family, financial, career, and service goal. They are all hard-core, but that's how I roll.
One of my goals involves journaling. I consider blogging to be a form of journaling for me. I'm a linguistic person and I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out in writing so I could figure out what they were. I need to use words to express how I'm feeling and what I want. I have two blogs. One is just for me and this one is to allow me to share my thoughts with my friends and family. It's not easy for me to do that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do, because I have the best friends and family. All I know is that I feel like I'm keeping them in the loop when I blog.
I never intended this blog to be solely about MS. It just happened that the subject was a main topic in my life this year. Another one of my goals this year is to stop SURVIVING my life with MS and start LIVING my life with MS. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing that, but I will keep you updated.
I tend to get very self-conscious when I go back and read my blog posts. In fact I've erased every blog entry I've written that isn't about MS. I'm going to stop that now. If you choose to read my blog keep in mind this content advisory: I'm writing for myself. If you think I'm too boring or too crazy or just plain wrong (which would be weird because I'm always right*), stop reading my blog. When I look back at some of the things I've written, I can't believe that I felt, acted, or believed a certain way. Life is a learning experience and what is a journal if not a catalog of lessons learned?
I love life. I always have. I never have regrets and I never spend time wishing I would have done something differently. I make a lot of mistakes. Some of them are fantastically wonderful and some are fantastically disastrous. Oddly, about 50% of my mistakes are both. That's life. It's messy, unpredictable, sweet, hard, beautiful, entertaining, and it goes on whether we are ready for it or not. My goal for the last 6 years has been to live the hell out of it.
Here's to new life experiences in the new year. Cheers!
*With the exception of 3 times when I was very wrong- Once in the 80's, once in the 90's, and once in the 00's. So, sometime in the 10's I expect I might be wrong again.
I feel like every year has a theme for me. Here is the last decade of my life.
• 2001: Life is Hopeless- I was fired from Bank One and 9/11 happened.
• 2002: Eat, Breathe, Sleep- I literally did nothing.
• 2003: Just Keep Moving/Defog- I started working for April, Shannon, and The Girls Ranch. No plan-just move.
• 2004: Set Goals!- I got serious about school and about figuring out who I wanted to be. Key Bueler year.
• 2005: Work Hard- Intern, MPS, Girls Ranch, 3 nanny jobs, and full-time ASU. I was busy. I also moved out with Emilie.
• 2006: Achieve my Goals- I went through the Temple, graduated from college, traveled overseas, and landed my dream job.
• 2007: Survive Success- My first year of teaching and being an uber active church member was new and challenging for me.
• 2008: I Don't Belong- I felt like I didn't fit in at church or with my family, and like I shouldn't fit in with the people I loved.
• 2009: Make Myself Happy- I tried anything I could to make myself happy.
• 2010: Love and Life- Basically, I found out I was wrong about both.
Keeping that in mind, here is my theme for 2011... (insert drum roll)...
2011: Happiness is a (Hard) Choice
I set 10 goals. I have a spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, personal, relationship/social life, family, financial, career, and service goal. They are all hard-core, but that's how I roll.
One of my goals involves journaling. I consider blogging to be a form of journaling for me. I'm a linguistic person and I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out in writing so I could figure out what they were. I need to use words to express how I'm feeling and what I want. I have two blogs. One is just for me and this one is to allow me to share my thoughts with my friends and family. It's not easy for me to do that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do, because I have the best friends and family. All I know is that I feel like I'm keeping them in the loop when I blog.
I never intended this blog to be solely about MS. It just happened that the subject was a main topic in my life this year. Another one of my goals this year is to stop SURVIVING my life with MS and start LIVING my life with MS. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing that, but I will keep you updated.
I tend to get very self-conscious when I go back and read my blog posts. In fact I've erased every blog entry I've written that isn't about MS. I'm going to stop that now. If you choose to read my blog keep in mind this content advisory: I'm writing for myself. If you think I'm too boring or too crazy or just plain wrong (which would be weird because I'm always right*), stop reading my blog. When I look back at some of the things I've written, I can't believe that I felt, acted, or believed a certain way. Life is a learning experience and what is a journal if not a catalog of lessons learned?
I love life. I always have. I never have regrets and I never spend time wishing I would have done something differently. I make a lot of mistakes. Some of them are fantastically wonderful and some are fantastically disastrous. Oddly, about 50% of my mistakes are both. That's life. It's messy, unpredictable, sweet, hard, beautiful, entertaining, and it goes on whether we are ready for it or not. My goal for the last 6 years has been to live the hell out of it.
Here's to new life experiences in the new year. Cheers!
*With the exception of 3 times when I was very wrong- Once in the 80's, once in the 90's, and once in the 00's. So, sometime in the 10's I expect I might be wrong again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela
I feel good today.
Not fine, not okay, not good... considering.
For the first time in 5 months, I have felt GOOD for the entire day. I had energy all day. I accomplished a lot at school. I (unexpectedly) had to tutor after school. I went to the gym and ran 2 miles. I even still had energy to go to Jaclyn's house and get caught up on Weeds. I'm not just still awake. I STILL FEEL GOOD!
Hence the title of my bog today. It has always been one of my favorite quotes, because it continually has a different meaning for me. Today it means that I can find joy in what used to be normal. A day that used to make me smile, now makes me cry. Don't worry! They're good tears- happy, thankful, humble, lessons-learned-the-hard-way, faith-sustaining tears. Life is good.
Don't take your health for granted. Live life to the fullest. Don't sit back and let life happen to you; make it happen! There are a lot more cliché's that are appropriate, but I don't want to push my luck. I know that If my eyeballs don't see the back of my eye-sockets sometimes in the nines, tomorrow might not be as great as today.
Today was a good day.
Not fine, not okay, not good... considering.
For the first time in 5 months, I have felt GOOD for the entire day. I had energy all day. I accomplished a lot at school. I (unexpectedly) had to tutor after school. I went to the gym and ran 2 miles. I even still had energy to go to Jaclyn's house and get caught up on Weeds. I'm not just still awake. I STILL FEEL GOOD!
Hence the title of my bog today. It has always been one of my favorite quotes, because it continually has a different meaning for me. Today it means that I can find joy in what used to be normal. A day that used to make me smile, now makes me cry. Don't worry! They're good tears- happy, thankful, humble, lessons-learned-the-hard-way, faith-sustaining tears. Life is good.
Don't take your health for granted. Live life to the fullest. Don't sit back and let life happen to you; make it happen! There are a lot more cliché's that are appropriate, but I don't want to push my luck. I know that If my eyeballs don't see the back of my eye-sockets sometimes in the nines, tomorrow might not be as great as today.
Today was a good day.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Trey's First Day of School
Trey had his first day of Kindergarten this week. I'm super excited because he gets to come to school with me. I get to pick him up and bring him to school with me every morning. I was really nervous and excited for him the first day, but he was totally relaxed and calm. Every time I told him something he was like, "I know." He is my first nephew to go to school, so it's all pretty exciting and fun.
He loves Mrs. Ide and all of his friends. At the end of the day he is very tired and hungry. On Friday he said, "I met too many friends." I love it when I get to see him out and about campus. My class was stopped in the hall to let his class by one day and I totally disrupted his line when I stopped to ask him how his lunch was and give him a kiss. His biggest complaint this week was that he opened his own cookies at lunch time and two fell on the floor. He stepped on them because he couldn't eat them. Boys!
Two of my students pick him up from class everyday 5 minutes before the bell rings (it was a problem when I had a parent waiting outside my door to talk to me and Pat had to wait for me to get Trey so she could take a kid to the daycare vans). He loves hanging with "the big kids" and they love him. He gave all of the 5th graders a starburst on Friday and told them, "You rock! Good job, big kids."
Every morning he brings his breakfast and eats it in my class. After school, he wants to be just like Nick and Aaron and play games on the computer. I had to tell Mom to wait for 15 minutes after school gets out so that he has time to play for a minute. I love getting to spend a little bit of time with him everyday!
Changes for the Better
The first week of school has come and gone and I survived! It was so much fun! I love my new class. The kids are so cute, fun, sweet, and funny. I have a couple of siblings of previous students that I keep calling the wrong name. I never thought I would be that teacher, but apparently I am. The best part is I have four students that I taught when they were in 1st grade. I get to be their teacher twice. In all, 1/3 of the parents of my students this year know me and are letting me teach one of their kids again. I was a lot less nervous this year for curriculum night because I already knew most of the parents who came.
I did pretty well health wise too. The first day I got tired about 15 minutes before the bell rang. The second day I was good while the students were there, but was exhausted by the time I got home. Yesterday I was good all day. I even went to the movies last night with Cherish! I napped everyday, but on Thursday I took a 2 hour nap and still slept for 8 hours. Apparently 10 hours of sleep is what I need to get through the day these days.
I need to try to exercise in the mornings when I still have all of my strength, but I'm not sure what kind of exercise I should do. I am trying to build my strength back up to pre-treatment days, but I can't do boot-camp or the elliptical yet. Swimming is my favorite because it gives me a workout, but I can't fall or otherwise hurt myself. I just don't want to have chlorine in my hair everyday. I'm going to have to look into classes at the Y, I guess. I will just do what I can. If I workout at 5 am, I will have to be asleep at 9 pm. That will be a very big change for me. All of these lifestyle changes are kind of hard to handle, but they will make my quality of life so much better.
I finally got to talk to someone with MS. A parent of one of my students has had it for 7 years and she has been talking to me and answering a lot of my questions. I love it because she is able to put into words things I couldn't articulate. This is a quote from an email she sent me. "Like most MS patients, you are an over-achiever. Anyone who's been at Highland long enough knows that you go out on limbs, dream big and spend lots of extra time thinking and planning for your students. We are like that - obsessive, stressful people who can accomplish more than 5 people at once. They don't take "no" for an answer and demand more of themselves than they expect of others. A little type-casting there. Changing your mindset won't be easy. Obstacles for me have always been a challenge, not a roadblock. MS was just another obstacle at first, until I realized, there's no fooling the body, there's no pretending you don't have it, there's no "pushing through" the fatigue. It stops you. That's why one of the mottos of the MS organization is 'Stop MS from Stopping Others.' Another one is 'Keep Moving.'" She's given me advice on how to keep moving.
I am still really emotional at times. It's a part of MS that this parent and my regular doctor have warned me about. Plus, I've read a lot of articles that talk about mental health changes associated with MS. Between me, my doctors, my friends, and my bishop, I'll figure it out. My bishop gave me a much needed blessing on Wednesday. It has done wonders for me and taken off a lot of stress I felt about deciding on treatments and (seemingly) my future. Most of the time I am still very aware of what a lucky girl I am and how fabulous my support system is. I've always been pretty good at change. Most of the time I crave it. I guess I was a little too comfortable with how my life was going, because this is forcing me to make changes. The more I fight it, the harder it will be, so I guess it's time to give in. I will just keep telling myself these changes will lead to a better me.
I did pretty well health wise too. The first day I got tired about 15 minutes before the bell rang. The second day I was good while the students were there, but was exhausted by the time I got home. Yesterday I was good all day. I even went to the movies last night with Cherish! I napped everyday, but on Thursday I took a 2 hour nap and still slept for 8 hours. Apparently 10 hours of sleep is what I need to get through the day these days.
I need to try to exercise in the mornings when I still have all of my strength, but I'm not sure what kind of exercise I should do. I am trying to build my strength back up to pre-treatment days, but I can't do boot-camp or the elliptical yet. Swimming is my favorite because it gives me a workout, but I can't fall or otherwise hurt myself. I just don't want to have chlorine in my hair everyday. I'm going to have to look into classes at the Y, I guess. I will just do what I can. If I workout at 5 am, I will have to be asleep at 9 pm. That will be a very big change for me. All of these lifestyle changes are kind of hard to handle, but they will make my quality of life so much better.
I finally got to talk to someone with MS. A parent of one of my students has had it for 7 years and she has been talking to me and answering a lot of my questions. I love it because she is able to put into words things I couldn't articulate. This is a quote from an email she sent me. "Like most MS patients, you are an over-achiever. Anyone who's been at Highland long enough knows that you go out on limbs, dream big and spend lots of extra time thinking and planning for your students. We are like that - obsessive, stressful people who can accomplish more than 5 people at once. They don't take "no" for an answer and demand more of themselves than they expect of others. A little type-casting there. Changing your mindset won't be easy. Obstacles for me have always been a challenge, not a roadblock. MS was just another obstacle at first, until I realized, there's no fooling the body, there's no pretending you don't have it, there's no "pushing through" the fatigue. It stops you. That's why one of the mottos of the MS organization is 'Stop MS from Stopping Others.' Another one is 'Keep Moving.'" She's given me advice on how to keep moving.
I am still really emotional at times. It's a part of MS that this parent and my regular doctor have warned me about. Plus, I've read a lot of articles that talk about mental health changes associated with MS. Between me, my doctors, my friends, and my bishop, I'll figure it out. My bishop gave me a much needed blessing on Wednesday. It has done wonders for me and taken off a lot of stress I felt about deciding on treatments and (seemingly) my future. Most of the time I am still very aware of what a lucky girl I am and how fabulous my support system is. I've always been pretty good at change. Most of the time I crave it. I guess I was a little too comfortable with how my life was going, because this is forcing me to make changes. The more I fight it, the harder it will be, so I guess it's time to give in. I will just keep telling myself these changes will lead to a better me.
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