I have an amazing, powerful, very close family. My aunts and uncles are like extra parents and my cousins are like extra siblings. Camilla is like my dad. : ) It can be a little intense at times, but I have always been confused about how people survive in this world without my family. I know I couldn't. This description of my family makes me laugh because it makes us sound like a mafia family. You don't want to mess with us! They are having a fast for me. If you are not sure what fasting is or why my family would do it for me, you can read about it at the link I added to the bottom of the page. Being fiercely independent, I never wanted them to have to do that for me, but knowing that they are makes me feel more comforted than anything else in the world.
I'm planning on staying with Pam this week. I didn't want to be alone. I'm afraid the solu-medrol infusions are going to make me sick. I've had a headache for 4 days from worrying about it so much! I didn't want to just be sitting around thinking about it all week, so I figure that Pam's house was the best option. First of all, I already consider it my second home. Secondly, with Pam, Mark, the kids, and Alex around I'm bound to be pretty entertained and won't be able to spend a lot of time moping. Plus, when I was having the MRI and hating every minute of it, I closed my eyes and discovered that my happy place is her backyard, surrounded by friends. On Saturday Pam told me she was working on a surprise for me. When I got to her house on Sunday night they were all sitting in the "Kelle Room." They had spent all day cleaning out boxes, putting up shelves, and setting up a futon for me in their family room. Tonight I went over to drop off my car. The Kelle Room is amazing. It has a t.v., a computer, a bed, a side table, a rocking chair, and I have my own bathroom. I will be posting pictures when I get there tomorrow.
So, I'm feeling all right today. I'm very tired. The last couple months of school I'd been talking about how weird it was that I was sleeping so long every night. I even told my doctor. Then, when school got out, I just assumed I was on a summer schedule- sleep 9-10 hours a night, work for 4 hours, take a nap, swim, do it again. I thought it was kind of strange, but didn't really give it much thought. On Thursday Dr. Granger said, "I bet you've been tired." I was like, "Yes! I have been tired!" Ha ha. Now that I have the thought in my head, I'm just tired all the time. I also feel dizzy a lot. Pam and Mark helped me to realize I've been ignoring my symptoms hoping that they would just go away. Now when they happen I think, "Oh yeah. There's something wrong with my brain." It's a little harder to ignore.
I'm scared. Scared the medicine is going to make me sick. Scared I won't get better. Scared that it's just going to keep happening. Scared about the symptoms I will have in the future (I know I've been lucky. None of my symptoms are painful). Scared nobody is going to want to be with someone who has MS. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of being a burden. I'm scared that I'm not going to be strong enough to deal with this and live a good strong life.
Deep down I know it's going to be okay though. It's weird, I kind of knew he was going to say I had MS. I also know that this treatment will make me all better for awhile. I also know I'm going to have another attack eventually. I know I'm going to be diagnosed with remitting-relapsing MS. All of these things should be maybes, but I've already accepted them.
Luckily for me I couldn't have better family and friends. Ken and Cheri make me cry with how much love and support I feel from them. Not in front of them of course! : ) It is such a blessing to know that I have so many people who would do anything for me and are sending me positive thoughts and prayers. For some reason I only feel comfortable crying in front of Will. Luckily for me he is good at listening to me, hugging me, and telling me it's going to be alright. Aaron is good at making me laugh. He called me a klutz this weekend when I couldn't walk straight, then said, "I hope you know this MS thing isn't going to stop me from making fun of you." It made me think that everything was right with the world. I also got a voicemail from him tonight informing me that in November I need to vote yes on prop. 203 so we can get me some medical marijuana. I couldn't begin to verbalize how much Pam means to me. She is priceless. Uncle Carwin gave me a blessing tonight. I'm pretty much good to go. I also have so many other good friends who I know I could call in an instant. I was going to list them, but then I realized the list is too long. Now I'm crying again!
Alright. It's off to bed for me. I have to be at the hospital at 6:45. Yikes! I feel so loved! Goodnight!
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