Ridiculous!

It was a GORGEOUS Arizona day. I woke up early today and hiked the Wind Caves at Usery with my little sister and brother. It was beautiful. I felt so good and since we went slower today than last weekend, I didn't even get winded. Last weekend I didn't get to explore or anything at the top. This morning we walked around and checked out the wind caves. There were chipmunks running around. My balance still isn't the best, but I had so much energy! I was singing and dancing around.

After I napped and took a shower, I spent some time planning my part of Bishop's 5th Sunday lesson time. It was such a nice, relaxing, and peaceful day. Then, Kelsey and Akiva brought me a Vegas Roll from Sakai when they came over to check out the kind of pictures I needed for Yesteryear. I got to use my sushi set for the first time. After they left I went to Emily Waldie's. She was having a party, and since she's in a completely different ward than me, it was really fun to meet some new people. Lydia met me there and I had a good time hanging out with her.

Now that it is 1:30 and I should be going to bed. I have a ridiculous amount of energy! I feel SO good! I spent the last 30 minutes dancing around my bedroom getting ready for bed. Today was perfect.

P.S. I am also ridiculously happy.

Wind Cave

Chipmunks

In case you were wondering, Phoenix is <-- way.

Amazing view

At the bottom of the mountain.

We are one good-looking family!

My View From Up Here

I love hiking. I always have. The best memories I have of spending time as a whole family, including my dad, were hiking as a kid. We went all over the valley and always stopped on our way home from Woodruff to hike up north. It's been years since I've physically been able to hike. 110 pounds ago it would take me forever to hike a trail. I still did it every once and awhile, but I couldn't go with my friends because it wouldn't be fun for them to have to go so slow and rest so much.

Yesterday I went to Usery with Angela, Shawn, and Kevin. I was really nervous because physically I feel the best I have ever felt, but I know my body has limitations that I don't fully understand. It was kind of a test for me.

Obviously losing weight makes you feel better and be able to do more. By the time that I had gotten down to a weight were I could feel a lot better, I got MS. I feel like I never got to feel the physical benefits of losing weight. March I was a little off. April was weird. May was exhausting. June was horrible. July was beyond horrible. August was very bad. September was bad. October, November, and December made me forget what normal was. During those months I changed my definition of what a good day was. I honestly forgot what feeling good felt like. Halfway through January the fog of MS lifted. Now that my MS symptoms are almost completely gone, I get to feel the benefits of the weight loss too. I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. It's pretty wonderful.

Close to the top I started to feel tired and my balance just went out the window. I fell twice. I looked like a drunk person staggering around. I knew my body well enough to know it was time to stop. Luckily we were very close to the top. Physically I felt fine. My muscles felt good and my chest/lungs felt good too. I had that humming, nerves-are-not-firing-exactly-correctly feeling, though and my balance was definitely off. I was a little scared about making my way down. We rested for a few minutes and started down. I was careful and held on to rocks when I needed too, and by the time I got to the more solid part of the path, Angela and I were both skipping.

Two weeks ago I would have been in trouble. I would have had to be extremely cautious and careful to get down and I would have had a meltdown at the bottom of the mountain. I probably wouldn't have been able to drive myself home. I started to get upset when I first started feeling off, but I made Shawn talk to me to distract me from thinking about it. Angela entertained me all of the way down. I rested at the top and that was enough to keep going.

The part that still scares me is the uncertainty. I feel better physically now than I ever have. I want to do more hiking, running, dancing, playing... I feel like I never know when or how I will hit my limit, but I know that I'm not going to live in fear of my limits. As long as I have my supportive friends and family members around me, I will keep playing the balancing act of respecting and pushing my limits. My view is that normal will be whatever I accept.

♥

I may be the happiest girl you've ever met. Just thought I would let you know.

Clean Sheets Lead to Spiritual Enlightenment

Clean sheets are one of the best things in the world. There is nothing like climbing into soft, fragrant, crisp, silky sheets at the end of a long day. I would describe the experience as blissful. You would think, since I'm so fond of clean sheets, I would change my sheets more than every other week. I don't because it's hard work! I have to strip the bed, wash the mattress pad and comforter, dry the mattress pad and comforter, put the mattress pad on, then the fitted sheet, then tuck the top sheet in just right, then I put my down blanket on, then my comforter, then I have to put both pillows back in the freshly laundered shams, the regular pillows in the new sheets, make sure the bed skirt is hanging nicely, and place the decorative pillows just right. I pretty much need a nap when I'm done.

Today I feel that wonderful clean sheet feeling magnified 100 times. I am just feeling nice and clean in all areas of my life.

• Clean home- I'm lucky to have such a nice clean roommate. She pretty much never complains about my crazy OCD'ness. She does all of the chores I hate (taking the trash out and emptying the dishwasher) all the time before I even realize they need to be done. She even respects my weird, set-in-my-way, eccentric habits (no dishes on the right side of the sink, dish soap under the sink, comfy blankets folded up and put in their spot... basically, a place for everything and everything in it's place!). In exchange, I always clean the downstairs bathroom (she hates cleaning bathrooms) and I try to keep my OCD'ness in check. Today she got up and cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the living/dining room and the bathroom. Our house smells so good and clean. It always amazes me what a difference it makes when the couch if vacuumed. I love feeling so good in my home. It makes me so relaxed and comfortable in my own skin when everything is in order in my home. Amanda rocks at helping it stay that way all of the time.

• Clean bedroom and bathroom- Since I am the only one who ever sees my bedroom and bathroom, they do not stay quite as clean as the rest of our house. I have a really bad habit about using half of my bed as a closet. I am totally a "my side of the bed" sleeper whether anyone is in my bed or not. The other half is just empty all of the time, so it doesn't bother me at all to have my clean laundry piled over there. Did I mention I hate putting my laundry away? I was on such a role today that I folded and hung all of my laundry, organized my closet, and found a place for my new Christmas stuff. Bonus: I get to walk around with my huge, good headphones, ipod tucked into my sports bra, listening to really loud music. Double bonus: I did so much cleaning I didn't have to go to the gym today!

• Clean Mind- Anyone who knows me well knows I can't have hidden messes. You can open any closet or drawer in my house or classroom and it will sing the hallelujah chorus. If there is anything disorganized or messy, it will be right out on the table, counter, couch, or desk. I really don't know why I'm like that, but it makes me manic to have a mess somewhere that I can't keep an eye on. It makes my ADD go into hyper drive. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. When everything is put in it's place, I am calmer, relaxed, and my thoughts are clearer. Weird, huh? When my head is clear, my destructive thoughts turn into productive thoughts. I become a service oriented person.

• Clean Hands- Everyone knows that idle hands are the devil's playground. :-) Seriously though, knowing I have been productive has a snowball effect. I turn into a goal-orientated person and before I know it, I've gotten things done I've been meaning to do for months. It gives me a sense of accomplishment that reminds me of my worth and in turn reinforces my understanding of things that are not worthy of my time or energy.

• Clean Heart/Soul/Life- Cleanliness leads to order, which leads to clear thoughts, which leads to productive actions, which lead to true happiness. I have been working on cleaning my home, thoughts, and actions for awhile now. I feel like it's all kind of come together on this day I have off to remember the inspired vision of MLK. I am starting to have a vision of my life and the things I could accomplish/people I can serve with it. Now comes the hard part... believing I can and following through.

I had no idea when I woke up this morning with a yearning for clean sheets that it would turn into this "If You Give a Mouse A Cookie..." kind of experience. Life... the roller-coaster goes on.

Dancing Through Life

I have been having so much fun and feeling so great lately. I feel almost back to normal. It's kinda weird how that happened. I honestly didn't think I would ever feel this good again. I guess I better get my butt in gear now!

Highland has a Win to Lose team. We are competing against other schools in the district in a weight loss program. Everybody put in $5 and the winning team gets to split the pot. Bring it! I've been trying to eat a lot better and I have been mildly successful at it. I'm getting hardcore now and I'm menu planning and recording everything I eat.

Exercise has been a little tougher for me. I could barely get out of bed for school in the morning and I was exhausted by the time I got home. I was more successful during Christmas break, but unfortunately I don't think sleeping in and getting to the gym about noon is a lifestyle I will be able to live any time soon. I'm ready to get back into daily exercise. Exercise makes me feel so good and my Neurologist said I can push myself every other day. The in between days I can do weight training or walking. The more I exercise the more energy I will have.

Now I feel like I can dance around all day long. I've missed dancing around to the music that plays in my head. I've been doing more and more for the last two days and it seems like it's not a fluke. Dancing is back in my life. Yep. I'm back, baby!

Parent Conference Week

This week has flown by. It's hard to believe tomorrow is Friday. I don't think I've ever said that about a conference week before. Usually, the hurried shortened school days, stressful parent conferences, and getting home late every night makes this week seem to drag on for-EV-er. I had a dr. appointment on Monday, Tuesday was my late night at school, I met with my bishop on Wednesday, and I had another dr. appointment today. It's been busy, but I feel like I've hardly seen my kids, I surely didn't get to talk to all of my parents, and I had time to make and eat good dinners too.

My neurologist told me my medicine takes about 3 months to start working. It's been just over 3 months and when I told him about how bad my exhaustion had been, and how it has been much less for the last week and 1/2. Then I told him how good I've been feeling emotionally since last week. He said that his patients who Copaxone tend to have a time when they are like, "Oh. It's working now." The other meds aren't like that. It was pretty funny because I hadn't realized that all of the good things had started at the same time until he kept asking me questions. It was pretty good to figure that out. I go back in 3 months. If there is still no major problems then I will have another MRI 3 months after that at the 1 year mark. I'm very happy about that because I HATE MRI's.

I can't wait to hang out with Angela tomorrow! Happy Friday everyone!

Today

Happiness. Overflowing, uncontainable, happiness. Oddly hard to bear.

If you've ever wondered why I love to teach...

Two conversations that happened today at school.

1) A former student- 12 year old boy walks in to my classroom.

Me: "Hey Jami! How was your Christmas Break?"

Jami: "It was good. I got an ipod touch. Um..." *Awkward shuffle* "I'm not trying to be nice..." *baffled shrug* "but you look like you're losing a lot of weight." *Quizical look*

Me: *Beaming smile* "Awww! That was pretty nice for not wanting to be nice"

Jami: *Flustered and making his way to the door* "Well. I mean I'm not just saying that to be nice." *Turns to flee*

Me: *Chases him to the door* "Thanks Jami! That's why I love you!" Shouted down the hall after the retreating figure*

Priceless!

2) Former student- 13 year old girl knocks on my classroom door a little after 4 pm.

Me: "Alyssa! Hey! How are you? How was your break?" *Hugging ensues*

Alyssa: "It was good. I got a new phone, but I can't show you because I left it in the car."

Me: "Awesome! Are you just stopping by to say hi on your way home from school?" (She goes to Jr. High now.)

Alyssa: "Yeah. I begged my mom to let me stop here, to see you, when she picked me up from school."

Me: "Sweet. Did she drop you off?"

Alyssa: "Yeah. Well... Kinda... She's brought me here, but she's outside in the car."

Me: "She's sitting outside...? Waiting in the car...?"

Alyssa: "Yeah. She said I have 5 minutes to talk to you, then I have to go. It's my reward because I've been doing good in school."

I'm not kidding. Both of those things happened on my first day back for the second quarter. Don't lie. You wish you were a teacher.

Just Keep Swimming - Or At Least Stop Floundering: An MS Update

Everyone keeps asking for an update on my MS. It's a little complicated though. The short answer is I am doing a million times better, but I think my MS is a little worse.

The long answer:

The last couple of months have been pretty emotionally rough. Life is tough. I've had my share of ups and downs throughout my 30 years, but I've always been able to keep an optimistic outlook on life. My mom told me that life is what you make of it. I took that to mean if I wanted to be happy, than I needed to make that happen. This whole MS thing has thrown me for a loop and I have struggled to maintain a positive attitude.

I'm not going to lie, it kicks my butt pretty much daily.

I feel helpless. When my body is done, there is nothing I can do to keep it going. No amount of hard work, wishing, planning, stubbornness, or pretending makes it better. It's hard to accept that I can't do something. I was taught that with hard work anything is possible. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I've toughed my way into a life I love.

I feel defeated. It is very hard for me to accept help when others have to do things for me. I'm afraid I'm not very gracious to the people who love me and gladly help me when I need it.

I feel betrayed. My own body is working against me. My brain processes my emotions differently now. I will cry at the drop of a hat. A commercial about the Armed Forces comes on... BOOM! I'm crying like a baby. Movies where people are not nice to each other really upsets me. Worst of all... things people say offend me now. I've always been able to let things roll off my back, but now I feel like I don't want to waste any energy on ignoring comments. Now I have no time or patience for pettiness, selfishness, hurtfulness, or meanness. I've always admired how tolerant my mom is and I've been very thankful that her tolerance rubbed off on me. I feel like MS is changing my personality.

I feel scared. I don't know what to expect. Weird things happen and I don't know what to do. A good friend always tells me that you can't waste time worrying about what might happen. The door to a lot more "mights" has been opened and I find it harder than usual to follow her advice.

I feel alone. I have a wonderful family, a ton of supportive friends, and a relationship with my Savior that I cherish. I've recently lost the person that I viewed as my confidant and best friend. I thought he could be the holder of my dreams and fears, the one I relied on to know what "normal" is for me, the one who allowed me to feel like if I couldn't quite make it, he would cary me until I could. It's not really a role my family or friends can fill. It requires a physical being that I can hold on to. I'm a very independent person, so it was hard to find, which makes it even harder to lose. The situation is as it should be. I wouldn't change any of it, including the outcome, if I could. I still mourn the loss of the feeling of having someone who was mine and who felt that I was his. I look forward to finding the person that will truly be my partner, but in the meantime...

Physically I have extreme fatigue pretty much daily. My left leg and arm are a little bit worse. They've always acted up when I'm tired, but it seems like they are unreliable more randomly through the day. I am spastic. No, I'm not calling myself derogatory names, that is what they call it when you are physically unstable or shaky. Whenever the blood rushes to my head (ie. whenever I stand up) I feel faint, dimming of vision and hearing, and dizzy. It is more acute when I am tired. Once or twice a week I feel nauseous, very dizzy, and on the verge of passing out. This means I am ready for bed, like it or not. Exercise seems to exacerbate my condition, but it helps the extreme fatigue. I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can count the number of days MS has not affected me physically, since April, on one hand. Oh yeah! I also had one weird bout of phantom movement in my left arm and leg. I was trying to sleep and my arm and leg would feel like they were moving, but they weren't. The only word I can use to describe that is "strange."

Out of all of the above I have the hardest time with struggling to be positive. It's not a fight I am used to fighting. It's hasn't always been easy, but I have chosen optimism so many times that I guess I thought it was an innate quality in me. Certainly friends and family would put it at the top of the list if they were asked to list my traits. I'm getting better at it every day. I've recently decided that whatever I accept as "normal" for me is what will be "normal" for me. My MS tends to disagree sometimes, but I have a feeling we will come to a truce soon. The more I get a handle on maintaing my positivity, the better I feel about everything. Removing stress from my life is a must. I am pretty stress free right now, and that means I'm feeling pretty good right now. Prayer, scripture study, church, friends, quality time with family, and exercise have done wonders for my mental state. I feel like I might not ever figure it out, but most days I feel like that's okay. I'm damn sure gonna to keep trying!

New Year Resolutions

I've always liked New Year Resolutions. It's a good time to make goals. It shouldn't be an excuse to put off things you should be doing. I've done that in the past. I am always thinking and changing the way I'm doing things and now I consider the New Year a good time to write down specific goals.

I feel like every year has a theme for me. Here is the last decade of my life.

• 2001: Life is Hopeless- I was fired from Bank One and 9/11 happened.
• 2002: Eat, Breathe, Sleep- I literally did nothing.
• 2003: Just Keep Moving/Defog- I started working for April, Shannon, and The Girls Ranch. No plan-just move.
• 2004: Set Goals!- I got serious about school and about figuring out who I wanted to be. Key Bueler year.
• 2005: Work Hard- Intern, MPS, Girls Ranch, 3 nanny jobs, and full-time ASU. I was busy. I also moved out with Emilie.
• 2006: Achieve my Goals- I went through the Temple, graduated from college, traveled overseas, and landed my dream job.
• 2007: Survive Success- My first year of teaching and being an uber active church member was new and challenging for me.
• 2008: I Don't Belong- I felt like I didn't fit in at church or with my family, and like I shouldn't fit in with the people I loved.
• 2009: Make Myself Happy- I tried anything I could to make myself happy.
• 2010: Love and Life- Basically, I found out I was wrong about both.

Keeping that in mind, here is my theme for 2011... (insert drum roll)...

2011: Happiness is a (Hard) Choice

I set 10 goals. I have a spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, personal, relationship/social life, family, financial, career, and service goal. They are all hard-core, but that's how I roll.

One of my goals involves journaling. I consider blogging to be a form of journaling for me. I'm a linguistic person and I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out in writing so I could figure out what they were. I need to use words to express how I'm feeling and what I want. I have two blogs. One is just for me and this one is to allow me to share my thoughts with my friends and family. It's not easy for me to do that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do, because I have the best friends and family. All I know is that I feel like I'm keeping them in the loop when I blog.

I never intended this blog to be solely about MS. It just happened that the subject was a main topic in my life this year. Another one of my goals this year is to stop SURVIVING my life with MS and start LIVING my life with MS. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing that, but I will keep you updated.

I tend to get very self-conscious when I go back and read my blog posts. In fact I've erased every blog entry I've written that isn't about MS. I'm going to stop that now. If you choose to read my blog keep in mind this content advisory: I'm writing for myself. If you think I'm too boring or too crazy or just plain wrong (which would be weird because I'm always right*), stop reading my blog. When I look back at some of the things I've written, I can't believe that I felt, acted, or believed a certain way. Life is a learning experience and what is a journal if not a catalog of lessons learned?

I love life. I always have. I never have regrets and I never spend time wishing I would have done something differently. I make a lot of mistakes. Some of them are fantastically wonderful and some are fantastically disastrous. Oddly, about 50% of my mistakes are both. That's life. It's messy, unpredictable, sweet, hard, beautiful, entertaining, and it goes on whether we are ready for it or not. My goal for the last 6 years has been to live the hell out of it.

Here's to new life experiences in the new year. Cheers!

*With the exception of 3 times when I was very wrong- Once in the 80's, once in the 90's, and once in the 00's. So, sometime in the 10's I expect I might be wrong again.