Everyone keeps asking for an update on my MS. It's a little complicated though. The short answer is I am doing a million times better, but I think my MS is a little worse.
The long answer:
The last couple of months have been pretty emotionally rough. Life is tough. I've had my share of ups and downs throughout my 30 years, but I've always been able to keep an optimistic outlook on life. My mom told me that life is what you make of it. I took that to mean if I wanted to be happy, than I needed to make that happen. This whole MS thing has thrown me for a loop and I have struggled to maintain a positive attitude.
I'm not going to lie, it kicks my butt pretty much daily.
I feel helpless. When my body is done, there is nothing I can do to keep it going. No amount of hard work, wishing, planning, stubbornness, or pretending makes it better. It's hard to accept that I can't do something. I was taught that with hard work anything is possible. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I've toughed my way into a life I love.
I feel defeated. It is very hard for me to accept help when others have to do things for me. I'm afraid I'm not very gracious to the people who love me and gladly help me when I need it.
I feel betrayed. My own body is working against me. My brain processes my emotions differently now. I will cry at the drop of a hat. A commercial about the Armed Forces comes on... BOOM! I'm crying like a baby. Movies where people are not nice to each other really upsets me. Worst of all... things people say offend me now. I've always been able to let things roll off my back, but now I feel like I don't want to waste any energy on ignoring comments. Now I have no time or patience for pettiness, selfishness, hurtfulness, or meanness. I've always admired how tolerant my mom is and I've been very thankful that her tolerance rubbed off on me. I feel like MS is changing my personality.
I feel scared. I don't know what to expect. Weird things happen and I don't know what to do. A good friend always tells me that you can't waste time worrying about what might happen. The door to a lot more "mights" has been opened and I find it harder than usual to follow her advice.
I feel alone. I have a wonderful family, a ton of supportive friends, and a relationship with my Savior that I cherish. I've recently lost the person that I viewed as my confidant and best friend. I thought he could be the holder of my dreams and fears, the one I relied on to know what "normal" is for me, the one who allowed me to feel like if I couldn't quite make it, he would cary me until I could. It's not really a role my family or friends can fill. It requires a physical being that I can hold on to. I'm a very independent person, so it was hard to find, which makes it even harder to lose. The situation is as it should be. I wouldn't change any of it, including the outcome, if I could. I still mourn the loss of the feeling of having someone who was mine and who felt that I was his. I look forward to finding the person that will truly be my partner, but in the meantime...
Physically I have extreme fatigue pretty much daily. My left leg and arm are a little bit worse. They've always acted up when I'm tired, but it seems like they are unreliable more randomly through the day. I am spastic. No, I'm not calling myself derogatory names, that is what they call it when you are physically unstable or shaky. Whenever the blood rushes to my head (ie. whenever I stand up) I feel faint, dimming of vision and hearing, and dizzy. It is more acute when I am tired. Once or twice a week I feel nauseous, very dizzy, and on the verge of passing out. This means I am ready for bed, like it or not. Exercise seems to exacerbate my condition, but it helps the extreme fatigue. I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can count the number of days MS has not affected me physically, since April, on one hand. Oh yeah! I also had one weird bout of phantom movement in my left arm and leg. I was trying to sleep and my arm and leg would feel like they were moving, but they weren't. The only word I can use to describe that is "strange."
Out of all of the above I have the hardest time with struggling to be positive. It's not a fight I am used to fighting. It's hasn't always been easy, but I have chosen optimism so many times that I guess I thought it was an innate quality in me. Certainly friends and family would put it at the top of the list if they were asked to list my traits. I'm getting better at it every day. I've recently decided that whatever I accept as "normal" for me is what will be "normal" for me. My MS tends to disagree sometimes, but I have a feeling we will come to a truce soon. The more I get a handle on maintaing my positivity, the better I feel about everything. Removing stress from my life is a must. I am pretty stress free right now, and that means I'm feeling pretty good right now. Prayer, scripture study, church, friends, quality time with family, and exercise have done wonders for my mental state. I feel like I might not ever figure it out, but most days I feel like that's okay. I'm damn sure gonna to keep trying!
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