My View From Up Here

I love hiking. I always have. The best memories I have of spending time as a whole family, including my dad, were hiking as a kid. We went all over the valley and always stopped on our way home from Woodruff to hike up north. It's been years since I've physically been able to hike. 110 pounds ago it would take me forever to hike a trail. I still did it every once and awhile, but I couldn't go with my friends because it wouldn't be fun for them to have to go so slow and rest so much.

Yesterday I went to Usery with Angela, Shawn, and Kevin. I was really nervous because physically I feel the best I have ever felt, but I know my body has limitations that I don't fully understand. It was kind of a test for me.

Obviously losing weight makes you feel better and be able to do more. By the time that I had gotten down to a weight were I could feel a lot better, I got MS. I feel like I never got to feel the physical benefits of losing weight. March I was a little off. April was weird. May was exhausting. June was horrible. July was beyond horrible. August was very bad. September was bad. October, November, and December made me forget what normal was. During those months I changed my definition of what a good day was. I honestly forgot what feeling good felt like. Halfway through January the fog of MS lifted. Now that my MS symptoms are almost completely gone, I get to feel the benefits of the weight loss too. I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. It's pretty wonderful.

Close to the top I started to feel tired and my balance just went out the window. I fell twice. I looked like a drunk person staggering around. I knew my body well enough to know it was time to stop. Luckily we were very close to the top. Physically I felt fine. My muscles felt good and my chest/lungs felt good too. I had that humming, nerves-are-not-firing-exactly-correctly feeling, though and my balance was definitely off. I was a little scared about making my way down. We rested for a few minutes and started down. I was careful and held on to rocks when I needed too, and by the time I got to the more solid part of the path, Angela and I were both skipping.

Two weeks ago I would have been in trouble. I would have had to be extremely cautious and careful to get down and I would have had a meltdown at the bottom of the mountain. I probably wouldn't have been able to drive myself home. I started to get upset when I first started feeling off, but I made Shawn talk to me to distract me from thinking about it. Angela entertained me all of the way down. I rested at the top and that was enough to keep going.

The part that still scares me is the uncertainty. I feel better physically now than I ever have. I want to do more hiking, running, dancing, playing... I feel like I never know when or how I will hit my limit, but I know that I'm not going to live in fear of my limits. As long as I have my supportive friends and family members around me, I will keep playing the balancing act of respecting and pushing my limits. My view is that normal will be whatever I accept.